I'm Still Remembering
by Adarian
Summary: On the night Alistair leaves her, Tabris finds herself sitting by the fire, thinking on Nelaros and the life they could have had together. Zevran finds a way to comfort her that is delightful for both parties. Written in response to a kinkmeme request


Mostly everyone was asleep, cosy in their beds after weeks on the road. But Kaillian could not sleep. She felt like she might not be able to sleep again.

How foolish was she? She wondered, sitting in front of the fireplace. Did she really think it would have worked with Alistair?

But she had known the answer, even long before she had met him.

Kaillian took off the ring and examined it in the light by the fire. It was the old Dalish words inscribed in it, but she knew it was her name, carved beautifully in by the groom who would die before he could ever wear it.

Nelaros, she sighed. It was strange in many ways to think about. They had known each other such a short time. A few letters back and forth. But when she had seen him that day, she knew. This was the man she had been meant to marry.

But he was dead. The last time she had seen him alive, he was fighting a man off of her as she was knocked unconscious. He gave his life freeing her. Her. The woman who he had just finally met, but had already committed his life to.

He had been carrying his wedding ring when he came to rescue her. It rolled out of his pocket as he had fallen. He was already gone by the time she reached his side, blood spilling out of him as she held him, sobbing. The ring glinted at her in the firelight then. She put it on her hand then, kissing his brow goodbye as her and Soris ran forth. She could not risk bringing his body. She prayed they managed to bury him.

That love and loyalty…she knew she would never feel that again. Alistair would not risk his throne or crown for her; even after all they had been through together. But Nelaros. He was one of her people. He understood her. He had loved her.

She heard footsteps coming forth and she quickly wiped away her tear on her nightshirt. Zevran came out of the shadows and smiled.

"Ah, Warden, I thought I might find you here."

Her hands shook slightly and the ring fell from them, rolling to Zevran's feet. He picked it up and brought it back to her, placing it in her hand and closing it around the ring.

"You should take care of it," he said softly, looking up into her eyes, "It would be a shame to lose something so precious."

She put it back on her hand and nodded, turning to leave.

"Wait," he said, putting his hand on her shoulder, "Please. You look like you could use someone to talk to. Sten…well, Sten sent me after you. I guess he figured I would be more soothing than some Qunari military cheer. So here I am."

Kaillian nodded, returning back to her place by the fire. Zevran sat beside her and touched her hand, his fingers resting on the golden band.

"What was his name?" he asked quietly.

"Nelaros," she replied, wiping away another tear quickly, "We were engaged. He died rescuing me. It…it wasn't that long ago. I didn't get to bury him; I had to leave the Alienage right away…before more damage was done. Now that…Alistair left me. And I can't stop thinking about Nelaros. We barely knew each other. But he was willing to die for me…and if my people hadn't needed me…I would have died trying to get his body out of there. But Alistair…he didn't even think twice. It makes me wonder…it makes me wonder if he ever really loved me or I was just some piece of elven ass to him, some tawdry story for a King to share about the first woman he ever screwed. I lost Nelaros almost as soon as I found him. But he loved me. And I don't know if anyone will ever love me like that again."

"I'm sorry," she murmured, "This must sound just damn foolish to you."

"It's not," Zevran said gently, tucking her hair behind her ear, "You…you deserved to be loved like that. You deserve someone who would be willing to risk hell and demons to see you smile. And…Kaillian, I know you will find someone who loves you like that. I just hope they're lucky enough for you to love them in return."

"Zevran," she said softly as his hand clasped her face and she came closer to him, resting her forehead against his own.

"I thought you were married," he said quietly, "That's why I never pursued you. But I wanted to. Ever since that moment. I couldn't kill you. I saw this beautiful woman, fierce and deadly, but so breathtaking. I couldn't kill you. It was worth my own life just knowing you existed. But you spared me. And since then…I have wanted you, Kaillian. I shouldn't have told you this now, I'm sorry-"

She pulled him in and kissed him hard. Zevran let out a chortled laugh as she let go of him.

"I never thought you would be one turned on by such a pathetic display."

"I lost Nelaros before I could even touch him," she murmured, "If we die tomorrow…I don't want to regret not doing this."

"Kaillian," he said softly, "You're not yourself right now. I don't…"

"You don't want to hurt me," she replied, her eyes meeting his fiercely, "I don't think you could hurt me anymore than I already have. But you can help me. Please."

He kissed her in return as she pulled him on top of her. She unlaced his pants with her left hand, snaking her fingers between the laces to stroke his growing erection. He gasped slightly as his pants were pulled down.

"Here? Now?" he asked, smiling slightly.

She nodded, "It's the middle of the night. We just have to be quiet."

"You may have trouble with that," Zevran teased, lifting her nightgown over her head and tossing it on the floor. He caught his breath as he raised himself to look over her pale body, the parts her armour had always covered.

She unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off of his muscular shoulders, whispering in his ear, "Please."

The twinge in his groin pulled him forth, bending his head between her legs as he licked her lips appreciatively, and moving to her nub, slowly circling until she started lifting her legs to bring herself closer to his mouth. She moaned ever so quietly and sighed happily to himself. As she grew wetter, the juices trickling down his chin, he moved his tongue inside her, stroking her ribbed core as she arched her back.

She pulled him away, kissing him fiercely, and whispered in his ear, "That's not what I need."

His cock throbbed and he felt almost a twinge of guilt. This wasn't what he imagined the first time would be like, if there ever was to be one. But as he saw her, desperate, her big green eyes full of sadness, all he knew is how much he wanted her to be happy.

"I want a bit more room," he said, bringing her down to the rug beside the fire, "You look cold, come be warmer."

He stroked her cheek as she laid down and he bent over her on his hands and knees. He picked up her thighs and angled himself into her, hearing her gasp as he did so.

She pulled him closer to her as he thrust inside her, slowly, almost softly. She could sense his gentleness, could tell that he ached to kiss her. But that was not what she needed from him that night.

She pulled herself up, wrapping her legs around his waist, anchoring herself on his cock as he sat up. He almost growled as she did so, biting into her shoulder so he would not moan.

She whispered in his ear, "I need you."

He kissed her hard, biting down on her lip as he thrust into her, and she arched her back, moving up and down in time with his thrusts. He bent forth, taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking hard as he did so.

Her breathing increased drastically, and she leant forth, gasping beside his ear and holding on to him as he let go her breast and held her to him desperately.

He could feel himself growing close, but he wanted frantically for her to come first, to feel her shake and clench around him. He needed to know that he had made her happy.

"Zev," she murmured, bringing herself to look into his eyes, "Oh, Maker."

He kissed her neck, breathing in her scent as he pummeled into her, increasing speed in time with her quickening breath.

He moved to her ear, licking just underneath her lobe, and whispered, "Come."

She gasped as he pulled her on top of him, and she rode on top of him, and she watched him smile seductively. She cried out as she climaxed, and Zevran sat up, taking her in his arms as she rode out the sensation. She kissed him as he came, spilling himself into her, panting.

They held each other, Zevran kissing her face as he slipped out of her, wrapping her in his shirt.

He held her face in his hands, the fire crackling beside them. She smiled softly, looking up into his eyes.

It didn't matter if she never felt the same way, he realized then, but if he could make her smile, then he would do whatever it took to make her happy. As she curled up into his chest, he rested his chin on her head, pulling her into his embrace.

He wanted to tell her then, but he could hear her gently snoring against his chest. He laughed as he picked her up and carried her back to her room. So much for Grey Warden stamina.


End file.
